Saturday    [Back to top]

Happy Independence Day! The 2nd day of the year women get drunk enough to sleep with Cheesy! It is always fun to light a bottle rocket every year when Cheesy starts with the girl to see which will blow first. Past score Rocket 2 - Cheesy 3. This year I have my money on the rocket to tie up the score. - Your Future Torched Webmaster

Friday    [Back to top]

Go get drunk and light some fireworks damn it! More AskCheesy.com on Monday.

The Fourth of July Weekend Dumpster edition:    [Back to top]

http://www.kcci.com/news/19927183/detail.html

Wow, you think YOU had a bad night? (I have more comments, but dont wanna spoil the story)

Lets mop up some stuff first.

My first Mea Culpa of advice goes to the "random doctor" earlier this week, and I now have a new opinion. Run for the hills buddy! Bald? Dozens of needle markes? FBI? Find any mode of transportation you can and run like hell. Stuff like that coming out is going to create a lynch mob, and I wouldn't want to be around when the shit flies.

Now as for me, it's the best weekend of the summer. I am going to enjoy a few days off with friends and explosives. So, lets clean out the inbox, and call it a night until Monday.


Q: In honor of the 4th....Lets pretend I have 1 day to live, 1 bottle rocket, and a book of matches. Just enough time to commit revenge on a mortal enemy, before I go. What do you do? - Patriotic asshole.

A: Jeez, so much for telling people you love them. I am amazed by how many revenge letters I get here...lol.

OK then, head down the highway with a plastic bag, and find a dead skunk. Shouldnt take long, as the bastards are everywhere. Head to mortal enemies house, lay down skunk in living room, and insert bottle rocket. (Have some freaking dignity and use the MOUTH for pete's sake). Light fuse and run. Using the rest of your match book, start some small fires in the lawn all the way around his house. Call the fire department....as you goal is to save the house.

Enemy gets home, and is thanking God that the fires "avoided" his home....until he walks into the living room, and wishes he had the insurance check instead.


Q: OK, it's a little early for these questions, but who is your #1 pick in this years fantasy football draft? - Guru

A: Your right, it is way too early for this. But I am probably going to lay it all on Tom Brady this year. He is going to be fired up after a lost year, and the Pats will be a bit chippy to get their throne back. Of course, you only grab him if A.P is gone. We will answer more of this later, I am sure


Q: OK, you need to realize what your role is here. I control this site, what you type, and the money. You can take this weekend off, then get your ass back to work! - All Powerful Webmaster.

A: Oh, now someone is REALLY riled up now. Why don't you get your ass on the message board, and clean up all the spammers that have taken over the fucking place. And for the record, this comment is junk, and wont count towards the $100 contest for the 250th E-mail. (Over half way there!)


Q: I hear that you know some stuff about the casino business. How do you beat a slot machine? - Aspiring Professional gambler.

A: First off, there is no such thing as a "professional" gambler, and you can stop living that pipe dream right now. It's up there with being a "professional massuse on craigslist". It's doomed to end REALLY badly.

Oh yeah, beating a slot machine. I stopped trying a long time ago, and now just pull the gun to save my knucles. I like to break out the "you talking to me???" bit as well. Shoot out one reel at a time to give the feel that you are torturing the machine...and the waving of a pistol will buy you some time waiting for the SWAT team to arrive.


Q: Hey Cheesy. After reading your site for a month, I have determined that you are really fucked up, and will probably spend the rest of your life in jail. Do you actually have any rational advice that you use in your daily life that doesnt get you (or me) arrested? - Probably going to jail with you

A: Yep...I will definitely wind up in jail someday. Why do you think I am whoring myself out like this until then? Besides, I have given you all a mountian of good advice so far. Hell just leaving the TOILET SEAT down (like yesterday) should save you years of grief.

OK, you want serious. Most of my favorite advice begins with living for today. There is so much shit going on in this world, and hell.....the sun could explode tomorrow. Have fun, and stop sweating the small stuff. Shit, use this SITE for the small stuff. (Like your revenge plans, nailing your 12 year old girlfirend, and your boss beating you with garden tools). Oh yeah, and my favorite rule. If someone pisses you off, take a second to figure out thier intent. Don't crucify people for little "oopsies" in our life. On the flip side, if they DID intend to piss you off, teach them a fucking lesson that they will never forget. Life is made so much easier when people just don't want to fuck with you anymore.

That deep enough for ya? Cause Dingo and the Baby will cry if this gets any deeper.

Bottom line, thank you all for allowing me to have fun on this site for a whole month. And that even goes for all the spammers ruining our message boards. Now everyone go out, drink alcohol, shoot off explosives, and come back Monday safe and sound.

Until then, Happy 4th.....

Wednesday Couch session: Pills, Action Figures, and pleasing women, eh?    [Back to top]

First off, I figure there would be some pretty good flame wars I would get into here, but I didnt expect my own webmaster for calling me out. I would respond in kind, but he controls the donation box. Better move on, I guess :(


Q: Hey there Cheesy...I have a big problem. I heard that the FDA is recommending wiping out Vicodin. I dont think I can live without it. Should I just end it all now, or try and fight through this? - Brett Favre, and 31,305 other E-mailers

A: Naw...Just stay alive, get your year in with Minnesota, and get off my TV. This is just the FDA overreacting because we have become a pil popping bunch of junkies. When they get done, we wont be able to take anything over 100mg anymore. but the reality is, Vicodin is very addicting, and just too easy to get and abuse.

Have no fear gang, they will just create something more addicting down the road anyway. Until then, take 10 Advil, 3 beers, and call me in the morning.


Q: Is there love at first sight? If so, what's the next logical step? I'm a rookie at this, but do I show them my Star Wars action figure collection or should I avoid that and go straight to introducing to mom and dad? I wanna seal the deal quick cheesy. Help. - Lefty

A: OK then, one at a time.

Love at first sight? No. But there is, "I wanna fuck this person upon first glance". I don't think I have ever seen "love at first sight" last forever.

What to do next? YEAH, show her action figure collection. she eventually is going to see the shit in your closet anyway, so you might as well show it to her right off the bat. If she looks at the at "seals the deal" with you, then you really do have a winner.

Now back to reality. Showing a girl your toy C3PO on the first date is going to make her laugh at you for the rest of your pitiful life. Since you seem to be concerned about moving fast, then I recommend a healthy dose of Tequila, and make sure she is least 50% conscious when you take off her pants. Because you can't take your toys to jail. And from what I read, this is the only way you will EVER get your action.


Q: Hi there good sir, here's my question: Why is it so hard to please women? - SomeRandomGuy in Sainte-Therese Quebec

A: First, kudos to you for researching a city in Quebec for your letter, then ending your E-mail address in .com. (It would be .ca, if you were really canadian). Details aside.....

I know women are hard to please. All you can do in life is just not give them ammunition. (Think of them as big mine fields, and you just wanna trip over as few bombs as possible). What have I learned? Well.....

- Never tell a girl that an outfit "makes her look pregnant"
- Per yesterday's column, take notice of her hair if she spends 2 hours on it
- Toilet seat down.
- DOUBLE CHECK the toliet seat to make sure its down
- Clean the house once in awhile. They dont expect miracles out of us, just the occasional surprise.
- Punch your anniversary date into your cell phone, and set the alram 3 days in advance so you can actually buy a thought out gift
- The occasional babysitter for date night is a great idea out of the blue.
- They really don't like jealousy.

Thats just off the top of my head.

Oh wait, you wanted sex advice? RIGHT. Youv'e come to a bad place for that. I do know one thing you shouldn't do, but I need to dangle that carrot over the head of my webaster for the NEXT time he calls me out.

Consider yourself warned ASSHOLE.

Until tomorrow!

The Tuesday Couch Session: Fry Cooks, Pony Tails, and Meds    [Back to top]

No column yesterday, as I was just buried with company. Gonna be a short week, as more company is arriving this weekend, so I will be enjoying the 4th of July holiday without writing columns. It will also give me a chance to load up the mailbox as I am just about out of letters from you guys. I'll be here for a few days though.

E-mail update: About halfway to #250, and the $100 payout there.


Q: I Have noticed a sad and annoying trend in young adult women's hair styles. It seems that wearing a ponytail or a headband by themselves is just not enough. These girls seem to feel it is necessary to look like they just got done cross country running no matter where they go. Even to church. What happened to taking the time to do something with their hair, instead of looking like they would rather stay at home on the couch with a bag of cheese curls and a pint of Ben and Jerry's? - Brutus the Barber

A: Now this is a hell of a question. I really had to think about this one. Answer? Women have just given up on us guys.

Think about it. Women go to the bathroom, and spend 2 hours dolling themselves up. And they walk up to us like a puppy expecting praise...and what do they get?? "Wow, what did you to do your hair?" Which means that we know SOMETHING is different, but we dont give a shit enough to notice the details. So, we drop that crappy line, and just go back to staring at her ass.

Women have finally figured out that hair isn't even in the top 10 body parts anymore for us. So, they pump up the boobs, and get the tattoos on the small of their back. They figure the time might as well be spent taking care of what we are actually gonna LOOK at.

And for the record, talk about being a hypocrite. I could understand a woman dropping this letter, but from a GUY? All we have done is throw a hat on and say "fuck the hair" for about 100 years. besides, your a BARBER....isn't this an opportunity to MAKE money?

Geesh. Can't wait for the next letter from the guy at the health club bitching that all the women are too fat.


Q: OK, so I stole some money. I know it's a bad thing, but 150 years? Come on! I am almost dead anyway! - Uncle Bernie

A: For the record, 150 is 1/10th of what I would have given you, but thats overkill considering your age anyway. Suffice to say, you won't live to 200, but I sure hate to waste TAXPAYER money to feed you in jail after you pissed away $50 Billion.

Honestly, I would prefer you to work at a McDonalds dropping fries for 12 hours a day until you drop dead (or just kill yourself), and have your entire salray go to the victims. If I was a victim, it would be freaking sweet to get compensation from you every 2 weeks, knowing what you were doing to earn it. I would only be a check for 3 cents, but it would STILL be worth it.

Either way, have fun in prison, and rot in hell.


Q: Here's a hypothetical for you, cheesy. Let's say you're the doctor for a relatively famous music artist. Let's call him Ping of Kop. He's pretty much your sole patient. You've been reported to have put more drugs in him than 4 Courtney Love's put together. How screwed am I, I mean is he? - Random Doctor

A: Ping of Kop. thats awesome.

Tough call. Granted, they are probably gonna find Anna Nicole (x) River Phoenix (+) Courtney Love in there, as the family is already screaming for Autopsy #2. And lets face it, Benoit's doc got about 10 years, and I highly DOUBT that you....i mean, your "random hypothetcial Doctor" stopped at a few steroids. Now I know that the cops have already cleared this "Doc"....but I would be happy to take all that money that Jacko gave me and fly away by now.

BUT. You think you can find a jury that looks at a series of Jacko pics through the years, and they wind up convinced that just ONE DOCTOR gave him one series of pills that killed him one random night?? Bullshit.

Keep the letters coming, and see you tomorrow......

Monday    [Back to top]

An unpaid day off for Cheesy. This webmaster is just going to call him a slacker and move on.